Wednesday, August 15, 2007

There were five in the bed and the Mummy said.........

Today the short fuse is alight!!!!!!! Humpty and Hamble are at loggerheads, she apparently wants to fraternise with the competition on Noggin and Humpty isn't having any of it!

"You can't dance to the Lazy Town CD anymore, it's boring and you can't dance cos you is plastic and wearing Laura Ashley and you don't have pink HAIR!!"

" You can't come to England and you are a big fat EGG, wear stupid trousers and have a cotton ball NOSE!"


"I don't want to play All the Kings Horses anymore it's not a fun game, let's play something else"

"Okay - let's bounce on the beds"


"WAAAAAHHHHHH......... Hamble's head fell off!"

"He's not letting me have the rope."

"I need the rope to climb the fort"

"I don't WANT you in the fort, you cloth muppet!"

"Get off the fort you eyes-won't-shut-made-in-china-probably-lead-painted-Plastic Head "


I thought it was too good to be true after my near perfect parental management of five yesterday.

Deviation tactics are needed. Time to find a telephone box to change in.........

"Let's all make musical instruments????" said Mary Jane from CBeebies

"YAAAAYYYYY!!" Five screaming toys all head directly towards me at fast speed.

Okay, so shit, should have organised this before I called them in, after all, I didn't get my Blue Peter Badge and manage to squeeze into those tight red pants with a nauseous grin for nothing.
Now I need to set up paints, rice, pasta, lentils, bulgar wheat and empty water bottles without Jemima and little Ted painting each other, Humpty and Hamble conducting an experiment to see if Humpty's eye is glued or sewn on and Big Ted hating my guts forever because I have made him give up one empty water bottle from his prized collection just so I have five!!

Well - that wasn't so bad - all Playschool toys are being pretty patient and gracious with my lack of Tikkabilla skills !

Improvise, improvise, we need funnels to pour rice into the containers as thus far, it is all over the floor - paper towels - yay - I think I still have it!

Five minutes have passed in relative P & Q - wahay for art and craft.


"Me too!"


"Get Down"

"Where shall I put it?'

Did I say five minutes had passed?

Back to the drawing board..............quite literally!

All toys are washed or sponged down and hanging on the line by their ears or relative body parts - apart from Hamble who is lying naked on her back in the kitchen sink trying desperately to stop the water coming out of that handy little hole that all plakky dolls have and I am left with a bombsite of lentils, pasta, rice and the likes, paint, dirty paint pots, a very confused Shep, who has been showered with titbits from the table and yet - yuk! it doesn't taste nice and Big Ted wants me to help him pick BEANS from the garden for dinner! Feck - no one told me there was a cooking part in the script!!!

Where is Floella Benjamin when you need her?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Five little speckled sprogs

Five little Speckled Sprogs
Sat on a Speckled Log
Eating some most delicious fruit - yum, yum
One jumped up from the fray
Said "I'm going off to play"
Then there were four pink speckled sprogs - hooray

Four little Speckled Sprogs
Sat on a Speckled log
Eating some most delicious cheese - yum, yum
One jumped down from the seat
Came in to find some meat (betcha can't guess who that one is!)
Then there were three pink speckled sprogs - hooray

Three little Speckled Sprogs
Sat on a Speckled Log
Eating some boogers from their nose - yuk yuk
One jumped up from the perch
Ran off to sit in dirt
Then there were two pink speckled sprogs - hooray

Two little Speckled Sprogs
Sat on a Speckled Log
Poking each other in the eye - ouch ouch
One had enough of that
So went to torment the cat
Then there was one pink speckled sprog - hooray

One little Speckled Sprog
Sat on a Speckled log
Feeling alone and rather sad - boo hoo
She stood up on the tree

Then all the little sprogs came back - yay yay!

Number of noses wiped: 45 and counting
Bums changed - 2
Broken or bleeding body parts - 1 (but that wasn't on MY watch lol!)
Breakfasts eaten - 4 out of 5!
Number of times I have heard - "mine!", "no!", "not fair"- very few!!!
Number of times I have been growled at - a fair few - he scares me!!
Number of baskets of washing hung out: 2 - are you impressed?!
Number of cups of coffee - 1 (still impressed?!)
Valium taken - none (so far!)

So far, so good! All children are accounted for and still friends and it is nearly halfway through the day! I have dinner prepared, lunch on the go AND am managing to find a slot to write my blog!!
Today I am in charge! I have five smalls that I am responsible for - no, there has been no secret babies born overnight, I am looking after my sister's children for a couple of days, she has gone to NYC. It has been filling me with dread for the past two weeks actually. There is a difference when you are looking after your own - you know their foibles, they know the ropes and the boundaries, you also have them aged apart (well unless you have multiples!) but when you have others that you are responsible for 24/7 and two are pretty can be a little scary!! However, now we are in the throes of it, they (touch wood!) are doing well together. Fortunately the weather has been kind to us and we are going to go to the park for a while this afternoon to wear them out!! Mr Beehive has been put on red alert to be home by 5.30pm tonight if he values his genitalia but all in all, things are currently smooth........................

...........................To Be Continued................................................................................................

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Ahhhhh... Man versus woman part 1

I don't suppose there are many out there who haven't heard of the book " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and/or know about the differences of men and women. The man being the hunter/gatherer type, tunnel vision, but also spatially aware of his surroundings (that makes me laugh - ask Mr Beehive to find a pint of milk in the fridge that is anything outside his peripheral vision, it'll have turned to cheese first!), the desire to provide for his family through finding food and procreating (that sounds like a new sitcom - Sex and The Stomach!)

The woman, on the otherhand, the nurturer, at home, taking care of the 3,000 small cavebabies, preparing food, having the needs of her children and family come first (that sub-reads as: takes no shit from no one ' bout her babies!) and couldn't find her way home from the end of her bed without pictures (not having a flounce here but, honestly!!!!!!!!!humph!)

Mr Beehive is a man who, despite having definitive male tendencies, is occasionally aware of his more feminine side. One of these characteristics is the fact he likes to dwell on things, take time to think things through before giving his well thought out answer or asking for advice. I, on the other hand, am hot headed, I have to talk things out right there and then until they are done.

Last night we went out to the movies (this has become a habit in recent weeks lol!) and this morning, despite chatting in the car on the way home, he blurts out about something that is bothering him at work.

The long and short of it is that he has been asked to give the green light to putting hired tuxedos and ladies dresses on expenses. It isn't something he is happy with, AND technically it isn't his jurisdiction, but he is also a mediator in personality, so has returned with a policy that basically says it is up to individual management to decide for each event.........blah - pass the buck!!!!!! This same person who pose the original question has retaliated saying that women "don't hire dresses" - technically - true I suppose, but then if a company was paying the wonga for me to hire a Vera Wang over buying a Macy special at $bargain basement, - I think I know which I would go for!!

That said, the point is all about choice, surely. If a woman chooses to buy from personal money rather than hire on the company, that is a decision she has consciously made (isn't that why we burnt the bra - so we could work, stay home, buy a dress or hire a dress, ultimately have choice!!!???) But what Mr Beehive has to realise is that if he doesn't implant a hard and fast policy, he will have this same question asked every time the company puts on an event. They have this same issue every year at Christmas, some departments allow their employees to hire limos to the events, others (the bean counters lol!) don't!

You see, let me in there for half a day and I will iron out their policies as I have told him many times before, they need organising but someone who isn't close to the fold, someone hard nosed and with a "couldn't give a brass ****" attitude. I have given him a cheat sheet of answers to go back with...........!! I could get intouch with my Alpha male!!

So fast forward a couple of hours and I am driving the Beehive tribe and Master Beehive the younger starts asking about hunting. We have just stopped for a deer to cross the road in front of us. He wants to know why people hunt? Are hunters real? Are hunters cavemen? Why do people hunt when there are markets to buy food from etc.

You can hear his little head processing the information and then the best question:

"Is caveman another word for husband?"

I'll let you be the judge of that!!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Camping for Softies, Wetties, Wimps and Muggles alike!

Here it comes again! This weekend we are off to the Gathering of the Vibes again. This time the weather forecast is looking a little more optomistic than last year, so hopefully we can put behind us thoughts of being washed out of our tents again.

I am not a huge camper, I do like my creature comforts, but for this weekend, I will forgo most of my luxuries and enjoy life as a true treehugger embracing nature and *nearly* all her elements (but the rain best stay away!). We have packed minimally and gotten hold of a Radio Flyer trailer to transport Little Miss Beehive around the site should she decide to lose the will to walk and want "uppie" all the time or I get too hot to wear her in the Ergo. This can then be converted to a cool bed for the evenings when we go down to the stage and she loses the will to stay awake and dance with us (mind you, that is an oxymoron where LMB is concerned). Camping with kids is never a true minimalist, back to the elements experience though for those of us half-breeds. However far out of babydom they are, there is always the need for cuddlies, certain clothes, books, eczema creams, Sponge Bob Square Pants Bandaids AND Barbie Bandaids (well you never know which child will want which if they fall over!) snacks for the inevitable snack-a-thons and a far more sophisticated selection of food for the fussy ones amongst us. Maybe one day we will teach them to actually go out and gather their dinner from the wild, this time, pasta, tofu and veggies from Whole Foods will suffice!

My best friend in the UK is camping this week too for the first time. She is taking her kids and heading off to the New Forest with a friend. If I don't fall into the over enthusiastic camper category, she is about as mad about camping as you would be if you found a dead rat in your best Jimmy Choo! The thought of not having a flushing loo, having creepy crawlies in her smalls and nowhere to get a wax, straighten her hair or apply some lippy..........well a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Fred, this tent is for you chick! Have fun, wish us luck and watch this space !!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Pot Veg

I love this time of year when the harvest final starts to ripen and we can eat from our garden, albeit we have to reap from grobags rather than the soil - one of the downers of living in rented accomodation. On the up side though, our tenant in the UK is behind with his rent and has offered us a plot of land in Argentina as compensation! Of course, we have refused (I am married to an accountant - he hates risk lol!) but the idea tickles me. I wonder what fruits and veg we could yield there, I've always fancied exploring a bit of South America?

Isn't it colourful???

Anyway, here are a few pics of the garden, in which we have tomatoes, squash, beans, okra, melon, plenty of herbs and some alpine strawberries. You will have to excuse the deer proofing all around the periphery but the buggers really will eat anything including harsh squash leaves with their prickles. This has worked pretty well this year, also keeping out the rabbits and mice, however we have had to do the occasional bird rescue when one has found their way in. Over the next few weeks hopefully we will have good crops and I can start working on freezing some or preserving so that we will have some for the winter too. My big plan one day when we have our own house is to have enough space to pretty much live off the land during the summer and fall with veg and fruit and eggs. Perchance to dream.........

The tomatoes.

Beans, squash and Okra

The melons are just in the right hand corner of the picture. We actually manage to grow these undercover in the UK a few years back until something got in and ate the fruit!!!!!!

Little Miss Beehive picks the first crop of beans which we had last night with salmon and rice - yummy!