Today the short fuse is alight!!!!!!! Humpty and Hamble are at loggerheads, she apparently wants to fraternise with the competition on Noggin and Humpty isn't having any of it!
"You can't dance to the Lazy Town CD anymore, it's boring and you can't dance cos you is plastic and wearing Laura Ashley and you don't have pink HAIR!!"
" You can't come to England and you are a big fat EGG, wear stupid trousers and have a cotton ball NOSE!"
"I don't want to play All the Kings Horses anymore it's not a fun game, let's play something else"
"Okay - let's bounce on the beds"
"WAAAAAHHHHHH......... Hamble's head fell off!"
"He's not letting me have the rope."
"I need the rope to climb the fort"
"I don't WANT you in the fort, you cloth muppet!"
"Get off the fort you eyes-won't-shut-made-in-china-probably-lead-painted-Plastic Head "
I thought it was too good to be true after my near perfect parental management of five yesterday.
Deviation tactics are needed. Time to find a telephone box to change in.........
"Let's all make musical instruments????" said Mary Jane from CBeebies
"YAAAAYYYYY!!" Five screaming toys all head directly towards me at fast speed.
Okay, so shit, should have organised this before I called them in, after all, I didn't get my Blue Peter Badge and manage to squeeze into those tight red pants with a nauseous grin for nothing.
Now I need to set up paints, rice, pasta, lentils, bulgar wheat and empty water bottles without Jemima and little Ted painting each other, Humpty and Hamble conducting an experiment to see if Humpty's eye is glued or sewn on and Big Ted hating my guts forever because I have made him give up one empty water bottle from his prized collection just so I have five!!
Well - that wasn't so bad - all Playschool toys are being pretty patient and gracious with my lack of Tikkabilla skills !
Improvise, improvise, we need funnels to pour rice into the containers as thus far, it is all over the floor - paper towels - yay - I think I still have it!
Five minutes have passed in relative P & Q - wahay for art and craft.
"Where shall I put it?'
Did I say five minutes had passed?
Back to the drawing board..............quite literally!
All toys are washed or sponged down and hanging on the line by their ears or relative body parts - apart from Hamble who is lying naked on her back in the kitchen sink trying desperately to stop the water coming out of that handy little hole that all plakky dolls have and I am left with a bombsite of lentils, pasta, rice and the likes, paint, dirty paint pots, a very confused Shep, who has been showered with titbits from the table and yet - yuk! it doesn't taste nice and Big Ted wants me to help him pick BEANS from the garden for dinner! Feck - no one told me there was a cooking part in the script!!!
Where is Floella Benjamin when you need her?