Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Rituals and Relaxation

The rituals of LMB and bedtime are proving to be more of a giggle on a daily basis.

Ever since the children were a few months old, Mr Beehive and myself have accustomed them to some kind of routine - generally of the guise: Bath, Books, Boob/Bottle, Bed......almost the three R's eh?

As they are getting older, the books have gone from being separately read in each child's room to a rather stunning move to a "family reader" (our current read being Pinnochio), but really, I am digressing.

Each of my kids has had their own "spinning it out" techniques and Little Miss Beehive, is proving no exeption to that rule.

Her latest is to ensure we have the light on outside her room (despite her having the door closed because she likes it dark!) and then following up not ten seconds later with opening her door and just standing there.

One of us then, naturally hears her and will go up to ask what is the matter. She will then cock her head to one side (which, if you could see her this evening in her brand new yellow Snow White nightdress and finally growing and thickening blonde hair - just perfects this picture of Marmalade Atkins crossed with Pinkalicious!) and close her eyes and start......everytime the same way.

LMB " Errrmmmmmmmmm"

Irritated parent "Yeess??"

LMB "Eeerrrrrmmmmmmmm...........when I go to bed.....................errrr....errmmmmm.... I don't shut my eyes *tee hee, titter titter*" (she does find herself incredibly witty and amusing!)

Irritated Parent "Okay, that's nice - go to bed please."

and that is it, no fuss, no argument, she just has to tell someone!!!

Tonight I had:



"Eeerrrrrmmmm.......*thinks*....my wardrobe."

"Okay, your wardrobe?"

"*tee hee, titter titter* My wardrobe is not nice, I don't like it, it scares me.....*more titter titter!" (she then looks at me from her cock-eyed view and grins)

"Okay, well we'll deal with that in the morning - now go to bed!

Problem solved..........

Only not, because it is a built in wardrobe!!!!!

Her other ritual is to migrate, every night, from her room, to ours. When she was small, it was okay, nice to cuddle up to her hot body. Now she is a large nearly 3 and a half year old, this hot body is rather squirmy and loves to come between myself and Mr Beehive and not to mention sleep diagonally. So thus, we have set her up with a matress on the floor to which she dutifully comes in, lays down, pulls up the covers and goes back to sleep............................................

.................................until the morning - What are you complaining about I hear you cry?

But the problem is not really her early rising or migration - it is the "watching".

From around 5.45 most mornings I am no longer awoken by babies crying, birds singing, alarm clocks going off or even Mr Beehive getting up for work. Instead I am awoken by a presence.

It stands watching, nothing else, not poking, touching or even talking. It is silent, still, observant - just watching me from around 8 inches from my face.

It scares the living crap out of me, without fail, ever frickin' morning.

I just gotta get her out of THAT ritual!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Babies, Boys, Buses and Blue Icing!!!

Okay, so I am seriously out of it dude!!

Today Master Beehive the elder had his party for his birthday. He had chosen to take a couple of friends out to the Sushi restaurant and then afterwards come back for cake and a movie. As we drove to the restaurant his two friends began talking to each other about the latest Pokemon games that they have. We are a pretty un-techy household (in fact, I am currently typing this blog entry on a buy that has taken somewhat three years to convince ourselves of the usefulness of - a laptop) and thus far haven't really had any reason to change that. However, listening to these two, one eight years old, one just seven, I realised that the whole language was different. I can honestly say that I had no clue what they were talking about and in all honesty, couldn't even make sense of what they were saying.

"Dude, what's the HP damage on your Itrabobby"

"Aw Man, it's awesome, there are 650 danger knots"

"Aw dude, that sucks!"

"Yeah! It sucks, but then it's cool, the right phelange is connected to the left phelange which in turn rotates the 769 whingamadoodle and stops the kratchewatche from blasting the mingymongy, and I am up to level 45!"

" Cool man! Awwwwwweeeessoooooome!"

What the F(*&*(*&***?????

I had obviously left my street cred back in 1984!

The return journey on the other hand, if you can add a couple of glasses of coke, some sugar and blue icing and it was truly incomprehensible and at twice the speed and volume too.

I suppose it wasn't helped by the fact that I only got in this morning at 1am after the second birth this week. It's somewhat like waiting for a number eleven at the moment. You wait weeks, then suddenly two come along at once. The first was Sunday night through Monday night and then yesterday morning I was called away to the next one which got me back early this morning. I was then supposed to be doing post partum work with the first couple at 9am - so strangely enough I am somewhat flagging right now.

The births were long and tough on the mamas involved. But how opposite could they be.
Birth one was a big big boy delivered by c-section eventually as he started to cause his mama's cervix to swell up and Birth two was a teeny tiny girl who was a VBAC, much to her mama's delight and relief.

So, all party guests are present and correct and quietly (now!) watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Ah well, I bet they don't know qwerty or who Gene Wilder is!!

Hmmm now where is that blue icing?..........

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Boobie cases and the LBD!

You know, internet shopping is both a blessing and an absolute pain in the butt!

This weekend I have been excitedly awaiting the arrival of a new dress that I ordered on line for our school auction party in mid May.

I tirelessly (oh ho ho!) trawled the net looking for the LBD - only I was happy with it not being Black. Thinking my luck was in with a sort of halter necked type that claimed to "hang beautifully" - I ordered it in both my regular size and the size below (yeah, I know I can't luck in twice in one session!) plus the perfect set of matching shoes.

When the dratted thing arrived, the material, which wasn't evident from the regular pics, the zoom in pic, or the size 0 model smiling smugly wearing the LBD, clung to all my wobbly bits. The muffin top was leaking into the fabric and in all honesty..........I was scared. I know I still have a month and that is four more weeks of no chocolate, lots of Special K, 300 gallons of water, at least 20miles of X training and 500 hours of Pilates, but this would have to have been nowt short of a small miracle or liposuction to reach the cling free six pack that the dress really demanded.

So today I decided to send Mr Beehive back to the local store to return said item whilst I took Master Beehive the younger with me to another large department store to try to find one of around a dozen dresses I had found on line, but wasn't risking anything short of physical fitting this time!

Unfortunately what the small print didn't tell me was that the likelyhood of finding even one of anything I see online in the store is pretty much zero. The shop assistant scanned my printed off "wish list" only to return it to me with the information that normally what is online isn't carried in the store (*rolling eyes emoticon here*) and the only way to try stuff is to buy it in several sizes and send back what doesn't fit..............okay! Thanks for that info........exactly what I was in there to avoid! (*double rolling eyes emoticon here*)

Still, as we had arrived at the mall at least half an hour before opening, Master Beehive and I had done our fair share of window shopping by this point and had noticed one or two other stores with some potential.

Now there is one really extra special quality about Master Beehive the younger that needs to be known outside his family, Master Beehive the younger is going to be the BEST catch EVER!

He has a real natural eye for fashion, tells it how it is, (you won't catch HIM beating around the bush - if your bum looks big......he'll tell ya and mean it, none of this reading between the lines malarky with him!) and his ability to sit and wait patiently, without huffing and sighing, whilst the woman in his life tries on half a dozen dresses is truly tremendous for a five year old!

So, he sits outside the fitting room in a comfy chair reading the latest issue of "Bridge for Beginners and Bored Housewives" whilst I try on several different dresses; halter neck, strapless, sateen, linen, plain, patterned, white and black, black and white, more black than black and more white than......well.....white! As you can see, the colour idea got flushed down the swanny fairly rapidly and I guess being in the shop "White House/Black Market" had already limited our colour options somewhat!!

After narrowing down my shortlist to two, I thought I would ask his opinion on them.

He was more than happy to oblige and leaving his post and come in behind the curtain.

If you know my boyo, you know that he has two volumes in life: Very Loud and Ridiculously, unbelievably, people-can-hear-you-in-the-next-shop-despite-the-music-being-on-full-volume-Loud

Then in his best "I-know-I-am-cute-and-am-about-to-say-something-I-know-is-cheeky-and-funny-but-you-won't-tell-me-off-cos-I-am-so-cute." ridiculously, unbelievably, people-can-hear-you-in-the-next-shop-despite-the-music-being-on-full-volume-Loud Voice, he pokes his head around the curtain and exclaims with "oh such indignance"....

"Why is your boobie case on the floor mama?"

You could hear the sniggers.

Fortunately I am so used to these outbursts that I was able to leave the changing room with my head held high and engage in banter with the shop assistant whilst purchasing the best of the two lovely frocks.

So all being well, boobies and muffin top safely encased, and no doubt checked for their stay-put-ability by my son, I will be able to enjoy auction night!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The first cut is the deepest.......

.........and causes the most likelyhood of bald patches!

So what can I expect from my kids and peer pressure in the future??

Well if today is anything to go by - I expect they will bow to it as much as I tried to (well, I liked to call it "rebelling against my parents" but in all truth it was probably succumbing to peer pressure -yawn!)

This weekend, Master Beehive the younger's bezzy mate was unwittingly handed over to his father's capable hands for a quick trim at the barbers......kind of male bonding one presumes lol! However, this resulted in a number 2 army crew cut and probably a close call on the divorce front too!!

So, this evening, Master Beehive the younger commented on how much he liked his friend's new cut.

"That's nice!" I replied with my mind on other things

"I want mine cut like that" says he

"Sure sweetie, we'll just let it go through the summer, like we agreed, and then have it cut in the Fall." This was actually partly a ploy on my part to hope he changed his mind and also because he changes his mind on a weekly basis like the wind.

After dinner I pop upstairs to get the Little Miss's p-j's and shut curtains - the usual routine. Getting sidetracked I probably end up being upstairs for a good 15 minutes.

On returning to the kitchen, I notice there is a smallish but long pile of hair on the floor. Not thinking TOO much of it, I pick it up and open the trash to put it in, only to discover at least four more handfuls.

It is funny how, when faced head on with a situation, the dawning of reality comes in slow motion. Eventually the mallet hits me on the head and I put two and two together.

He had scalped the back of his head and taken his bangs so high they would have made Bjork proud! I had to do a repair job and there was only one way forward and at 7pm at night, there are no hairdressers open for the challenge except chez moi!.....................

So I am now, very sad, mourning the loss of his wonderful angelic mop......................

From this:

To this.........................

Friday, April 11, 2008

Is it cos I is.......

a cheeky cockney Londoner guv??

So firstly:

What IS it with the letter H in the English language?


Since when has an H been a Hay-tch?? As far as I ever knew it was Aitch. Perhaps, in my inferior knowledge, it is just part of the estate agent training manual, because in all, yes ALL, my communication with them over the last couple of weeks, every darned one has pronounced aitch the same way and the lilt on the hAYtch is nauseating!!!! Perhaps there is a secret Estate Agent school where they practice the accent...........or perhaps I should be looking for a house in Scotland??

And then on the other side of the pond there is a complete dismissal of the fact that H in front of a word, generally makes the sound "hu" so Hotel, Herb, Happy, Hungry. For the majority of words on pages 486 - 685 of my dictionary the H is not silent, nor do my American friends pronouce it as such until I am offered a cup of "Erbal tea" or asked what "Erbs" I put in the casserole? !!!!!

And then there is this...................

Cabinet for girl who wanted 'Cab, innit?'
A teenager reportedly ended up with a cabinet instead of a taxi because she asked directory inquiries for a "cab, innit".
According to The Sun, the Londoner, 19, wanted a taxi to take her to Bristol airport, and first used the Cockney rhyming slang "Joe Baxi".
When the operator told her she couldn't find anyone by that name, the teen replied: "It ain't a person, it's a cab, innit."
The operator then found the nearest cabinet shop, Displaysense, and put the girl through.
She then spoke to a bemused saleswoman and eventually demanded: "Look love, how hard is it? All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?"
The sales adviser said it would be £180 and the girl gave her address and paid with a credit card. The next morning, an office cabinet was delivered to her South London home.
The firm, of Bishop's Stretford, Hers, has now apologised and refunded her cash after the mix-up two weeks ago.
Marketing manager Steve Whittle said: "We thought it was a joke at first but the girl was absolutely livid. We have suggested that maybe she should speak a bit clearer on the phone."

Do I laugh, do I cry...............or per'aps it is cos I is a snob..............innit??!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Never enough sisters.......

It has been the strangest of times in the Beehive recently. Lots of high running emotions. Today we found out that the baby had Trisomy 16, which was why I miscarried as it is incompatible with life. Not sure how I feel about that right now, I am not sure if it is better to know these things or not, there isn't exactly anything I can do with that information right now.

My little sis has been here for the last week, which has been one of the best tonics a girl can have! She was childless for the week, so we were able to coordinate trips out and on Friday evening we both spent a stunning time at an overnight party at the house of a brother of some ladies I know from school. It was a great night. The home was, in all honesty, like a hotel/spa. There was a huge indoor swimming pool, hot tub, gym, sauna, yoga room etc. These two sisters had laid on an event for the auction last year that consisted of a party and sleep over at this "ranch"! There were around 30 ladies in all and what with learning some of the most sordid and classified secrets of my school-mom *sisters* and swimming in what can only be defined as bath water after probably having more cosmopolitans than is truly safe for swimming *ooops*! I do feel somewhat refreshed and ready to get back in and kick butt!

Today the sun is out (finally), Corrine Bailey Rae was playin' in the car, I was wailing along with the windows down and my shades on, quite frankly Mr Shankly- life is starting to look up!