Thursday, March 01, 2007

Parallel lives!

Happy St David's day!!

This morning I am pissed off to say the least! I promised I wouldn't say anything, so I am going to write instead!

I am sure many of you have mornings really similar to this one so hopefully you can extend your empathy to this!

My morning (so far I hasten to add!)

5.30am - awoken by #1son who is a budding writer and was up with the lark and his creative inspiration (added to that he cannot do anything quietly, so this dawn chorus started with doors banging, pencils being dropped and lights flashing on!), get out of bed to ask him to go back to bed.

5.45 - #2 son, singing

6am - give up sleep as a bad job, get up, huffing and go to bathroom.

6.05 - shower, en route picking up pencils, turning off lights, opening our curtains and removing wet towel from shower room floor where it had been soaking up from a dripping faucet!

6.10 - out of shower, throw on clothes, pick up more pencils, wake up daughter

6.16 - dress after chasing underwear around the house being sported by said daughter on her head! - "me mummy, funny, me mummy, funny!"

6.20 - go downstairs to find husband sheepishly trying to charge battery for #2 son's play today (note - I asked him to do this over a week ago!) engage in small angry spat about his lack of awareness of the rest of the world whilst emptying dishwasher, pouring milk on children's cereal, orange juice into cups and letting dog out.

6.25 - wipe up spills, sort out vitamins, let dog in,

6.27 - re-sort vitamins which have ended up IN the dog! wipe up more spills, put on first load of laundry

6.29 - clear breakfast things and reload the dishwasher, fall over dog who wants to be fed.

6.30 - set off to the cupboard to feed dog, get distracted by remembering to get fish out of freezer for dinner, fall over dog again and remember to feed him

6.31 - Prepare rest of ds#1's lunchbox, fall over dog - pick up spoon that dd dropped at breakfast, check on teeth cleaning situation.

6.32 - chase #2 son around the house to get him to clean teeth, while passing, open lounge curtains, pick up cup from beside a chair, turn off taps that dd has left running

6.33 - go back into kitchen to put fruit into lunchbox, discover dog has emptied lunch box, start over!

6.40 - find dh cussing because video is now not playing the tape. Assures me he will be at the play today with new tape and video, say nothing and roll my eyes, pick up towel and put top back on tooth paste, turn off taps again.

6.45 - go into kitchen to turn off lights, fall over dog - damn forgot to feed him. Notice washing in dryer, empty dryer, F**k feed the dog!! feed the dog.

6.47 - go upstairs to lay out clothes for dd, ds#1 is dressed and playing with superheros, ds#2 is naked and watching. Chivvy ds#2 along, pick up pyjamas, pull back quilt and open curtains in his room.

6.48 - leave room, fall over toys, find dd#1 wearing most of my lipsalve all over her face - "maycup mama!" - remove item from her mitts and proceed to explain that she has enough now and I will put it safely up high until tomorrow, through gritted teeth as I discover I am now sitting in coconut lipsalve and it is on my jeans! Try to scrub off with a tissue!

6.49 - make bed, open curtains, open window, turn on computer, en route pick up dirty washing

6.50 - clean my own teeth whilst changing toilet roll which has been emptied and an new one gotten out, but roll not removed and trashed!

6.51 - go to check on dressing situation. Ds#2 is still naked, ds#1 is still playing, dd#1 is trying to get into a bag of magic tricks that are not hers (still in her PJ's). Remove afore mentioned item explaining gently that it isn't hers.

6.52 - appease and soothe following tantrum.

6.53 - take tantruming child to her own room so we can be distracted and encourage her to dress. She proceeds to diss all the items I have chosen, so we start again - her choices which consists of a completely impractical sweater, but no mind, I am too tired to argue. Get clothes laid out on the floor.

6.54 - turn around to find dd gone again!

6.55 - Open curtains in ds#1's room falling over scissors, paper, books and a blanket, pick all up, and fold blankets, pull back his quilt.

6.56 - Find dd in my bathroom in the bath playing with candles and votives! Remove her.

6.57 - DD finally decides to get dressed - on her own, I come to brush my hair and put on some make up !!!!

6.58 - DH mumbles he is going, steps over recycling and leaves - I forget to check if he has the video camera with him! Mumble back and carry on applying lippy!

7.00 - DD comes through half dressed, knickers, trousers and one sock with her stuffed animal collection for me to admire.

7.05 - Decide to check on ds#2 - still naked, raise my voice, offer a few threats, fall over toys and make a tit of myself, leave.

7.10 - dd1 is now dressed but smelling rather rank

7.11 - "I poohed in my pants"

7.12 - She poohed everywhere. Bath dd, change my clothes and start again.

7.25 - DS#1 - now wearing just a t-shirt and listening to a cd! Cuss, fall over toys, cuss, Dress him, leave room.

7.30 - Small voice "mummy, mummy" - run rushing to find dd wanting to do a puzzle! - you have GOT to be kidding right now??????? Sigh, sit down and do puzzle!

7.45 - Give 5 minute warning to get ready for school. I have PTA meeting this morning, then W's class play so need to go early to get coffee from the shop (I won't survive otherwise!)

7.50 - Time up warning, come to get ready

7.55 - chase up stragglers, find snow pants, snow boots, hats, gloves, coats for respective sprogs, fall over dog!

7.56 - Help dd put on coat and then go to put on mine

7.57 - help dd put coat on again - she thinks this is a game

7.58 - start a search party for ds#1's reader!

8.00 - have one child ready, one child missing and one child in process!

8.01 - go round house turning off lights, pick up towels, fall over dog, pick up puzzle pieces, find reader.

8.04 - Strap smallest enfant in car (helps me keep one child in one place!) go in, give reader to older child, find middle child's hat.

8.05 - hat cannot be found so tears and weeping commence at high decibels as to why he will be in trouble wearing his spiderman hat (can't wear characters at school). Sigh, turn hat inside out and plonk on his head!

8.07 - Older child now throwing a strop because I will not allow him to just wear his bodywarmer to school, this is after the strops he threw in the early part of the winter because I insisted on long trousers not shorts in temps of less than 40 deg F!!

8.08 - try to reason with ds#1. DS#2 on his way to the car, minus lunchbox and hat

8.09 - follow ds#2 out to strap him in, put hat back on head, take lunch box. Find dd without her boots and hat in the car *sigh* and ignore

8.10 - Chivvy ds#1 out of house in full attire including snow pants to echoes and grumbles of "it's not fair!"

8.11 - phone rings, dh has gotten a new tape, rambles about hoping the machine is not malfunctioning, I mumble incoherently about it not mattering at this point in time!

8.12 - all children strapped in, lock up, get in car and go, picking up recycling on the way.

8.13 - Return to house, unlock door to pick up ds#2's glasses, re-lock house, return to car cleaning glasses on the way.

8.20 - half way to coffee shop realise ds#1 hasn't got his bag with the READER! turn around, swearing rather loudly about responsiblity and servants!

8.25 - arrive back home, pick up bag and reader, get back into car.

8.27 - Cop car pulls a speeder over RIGHT OVER MY DRIVE!!!!! can't get out! FUCK!

8.40- Finally pull out of drive, we are going to now be LATE and COFFEE-LESS!

This is a pretty normal morning for us

This, on the otherhand is the morning as viewed from DH

5.30 - Hear dw get up, roll over

5.45 - Hear dw get up, pull her covers over to my side, roll over

6.00 - feel a sharp pain in lower leg, realise I have been snoring and have all the covers. DW says something that sounds like "6.00 blah blah kids, blah blah covers, blah blah"

6.05 - feel cold, realise dw has gotten up. Look at clock, get up.

6.10 - go downstairs to use the bathroom, find nice novel to read en route, step over recycling.

6.18 - Come out of bathroom, go into kitchen to unload dishwasher.

6.20 - kids all come downstairs making lots of noise demanding breakfast. Hear the word "play". Panic, have flashback, something to do with re-charging video batteries and a child's play today. Disappear to lounge to do this, hope dw doesn't notice.

6.21 - too late!

6.45 - realise I am in shit up to my neck, try desperately to think of good excuses. Not only is the battery not charged, but the fricking tape isn't working. Panic, feel dizzy!

6.50 - No need to confess, the wife has ESP and knows what has been going on. Recieve cold treatment! Like it is MY fault!!

6.55 - have shower, get ready for work, step over towels on the floor, walk past bedrooms wtih curtains shut. Watch wife make beds, think what a babe she is an how I would like to have sex with her right now.

6.56 - awake sharply from daydream. Get dressed, go downstairs to get computer, step over recycling, step over dog.

6.57 - Go back up stairs to kiss wife and tell her I will take the time on my way to work to get another tape for the video.

6.58 - Wife still giving cold treatment, but acknowledges me by offering her cheek.

7.00 - Get into car to go to work. Sigh, what a hard morning! Feel the weight slip away and turn on radio to listen to news!

7.25 - Fly into Walmart to get a new tape.

8.10 Call dw from cell phone to tell her I have found another tape and left it at the school. She will be really happy.

8.11 - Think I better tell her that it could be the video machine that is faulty.

8.12 - Not the best idea I have had in a while. This news was not recieved well!

8.20 - Arrive at work, Secretary has brought in my coffee and look, croissants this morning, yum........check diary.......nothing in for today except a lunch meeting!

Apparently the cost of a wife/mother per year (if she were to have a salary!) is somewhere in the region of £90,000!

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