I have these little kids, The Beehives,
They are small and very funny.
Bathtime is a vaguely amusing ritual in our house and Master Beehive the younger doesn't ever never fail to disappoint!
I say:
"I would like very much completely for you to stop being a Bang Head Dinosaur and put on your pyjamas."
He says:
"But I LIKE being a Bang Head Dinosaurs and I think my pants look really, perfectly, absolutely silly stuck on my head."
Master Beehive the Younger has a passion for being a bit of a clown!
So I say:
"You may take your pants off your head and wear them on your legs, then you can put on your vest, go upstairs and choose a book."
Master Beehive the Younger removes his pants from his head and puts them on his legs, then he wants a drink of milk.
But he has just had his teeth cleaned and mum would prefer him to have water.
"But I won't ever never drink water, I want milk, milk, MILK............ please? "
He is quite good at manners.
"Okay!" I say, "but then you must clean your teeth again okay?"
"Okay!" he says
"Mmmm, that's yummy" says Master Beehive the younger taking the longest time E V E R to drink a glass of milk. Finally he finishes and goes off to clean his teeth. After about ten minutes I realise that I haven't seen him for a while, so I go off to find him.
Master Beehive the younger is sitting under the table -
"Look! I am Indian Scumpton and this is my teepee - do you want to come into my tee pee? That's a funny word isn't it, tee PEE - get it? It is like Tee Poop!"
"Not really!" I say in a solemn voice
"Master Beehive, please come out from under the table and clean your teeth" I say, handing him his toothbrush.
He sits there, silently.
I ask again
"I'm not Master Beehive, I am Indian Scumpton!"
"Please Indian Scumpton or whatever your name is, will you come out and clean your teeth or I will not be able to read you a book tonight"
"Read me a book! A Book!" he says jumping up and banging his head on the underside of the table.
After I have nursed his head and wiped away his tears and surreptitiously cleaned his teeth each time he opens his mouth to howl, he gets down from my lap and proceeds to go upstairs to his bedroom.
He then returns
"You are coming to read me a book aren't you? You absolutely totally promise after you have read to my naughty little sister?"
"Yes" I say "Go and choose a book, stay in your room until I come through, do not pass go and do not collect $200".
As I sit down in Little Miss's bedroom, Master Beehive the younger pokes his head around the door with a pile of books.
"Which one do you think will be the best? Do you prefer this one on animals, or this one on Pirates?"
"I don't mind" I say "I just need you to stay in your room so I can finish here and come to you."
"Okay, then it will be the Pirate one"
"Great choice" I say
I settle down to continue reading.
"My vest is making my back itch" he has returned this time vest-less
"Okay," I say "Put it over there and I will cut out the label tomorrow, now go to bed"
I resume my place in the Charlie and Lola book that LMB has an obsession about, she has them all, including one on CD and likes to read them or hear them at least 5967 times per day.
"I'm cold!" Back again
"Well find another vest or a t-shirt without a label, or wear the label at the front"
"Okay!" he says
10 seconds later he is back
"Are you coming now?"
"If you just let me finish this book and sing your naughty little sister a song, I will be with you."
"Promise?"
"I promise" since when do I ever never NOT do this same routine ever single night without fail?
Finally I finish the book, sing a song, tuck up and kiss LMB goodnight and go through to Master Beehive the younger.
He is fast asleep!
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