Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Feeding time at the Zoo

I despise mealtimes. Harsh, but true.

I spend all week trying to think of inventive menus for the week, walk my arse off round supermarkets buying the weeks groceries only to get home to find I have forgotten the rare enzyme free, sugar free, salt free thickener that a particular recipe HAS to have, ensure all dietary issues are covered - no lactose, little wheat, no artificial colours or flavours, use all my cunning to find ways to disguise broccoli as beef and carrots as chicken and slave over a hot stove during the worst time of the day - the witching hour! THEN I have to sit and watch them eat it!

Today I cooked bangers and mash, which, for those British lovers of the boggo cuisine, goes with Gravy. Often when cooking the evening meal I am supervising homework and answering questions right left and centre without really (*insert shameful emoticon) paying much attention to anything other than not burning the bacon (or the dog for that matter whose favourite game is "pretend to be a mat" right under the stove or the sink). Hence the fact when questions such as

"Muuuuum, can we have HP sauce instead of gravy please?" are asked, I tend to hear

"Muuuuuuuum .......get out from under my feet dog...... HP ooops, the spuds are boiling over.......LMB please don't choose to paint tippex on the table...... please ?" instead.
Hence the fact that I got it wrong!

I was then subjected to at least 5 minutes of Master Beehive the elder remonstrating that I always forget things.......(well yuhuh, when you ask me in the middle of the scientifics of banger burning) and how gravy doesn't go with sausages........**** this is where I stick my fingers in my ears and rather loudly sing "la, la, la, I can't hear you!" at the top of my voice, Master Beehive the younger showing me that he really CAN vomit back sweetcorn, despite my masterly plan of hiding it under the mashed potato "I told you it made me sick mummy!" and Little Miss Beehive shovelling it in her mouth as fast as she can, whilst holding herself in the nether regions, juggling up and down in her chair and simulaneously spraying most if it, in the masticated form, over me and the boys by struggling to tell me that "I don't actually really need to pee pee mummy, but my belly hurts!"

This week I decided to organise my freezer a little better. I freeze extras so that we always have SOMEthing in reserve should we be late back from after school activities, I burn the casserole, or I go on strike (I do threaten this a lot!). Over the course of the year though, I have become somewhat slovenly in my efforts to label the stuff so that it can actually be identified at a later date. Admittedly I didn't have things dating back to 1976, but that probably wouldn't have stood up in a court of law. I am really not sure what I had/have. It is amazing how many UFO (unidentifiable food objects) actually look the same when frozen. They may have started life as a rather nice chilli, casserole, tikka masala, bolognese etc, but when allowed time in the same deep freeze they all end up looking like each other, I wonder if this is a form of Deep Freeze cloning that goes on or perhaps, it's like dogs who seem to take on the form of their owners........who knows!

It is nearly all now labelled apart from a few UFO that look like a cross between a year old whitening dog turd and a breeze block that I may save for a REALLY desperate day. That said, it does make for honesty when asked "what's for tea?" I can say, in all seriousness, "Wait and See". It truly IS a mystery until defrosted (and sometimes beyond!)
Ah well I guess Mr Beehive will be home soon and I bet he'll be asking what's for dinner -Hmmmmm........ I wonder how I could pass off the frozen dog turd??? The picture at the top is food for thought................
Yours from the depths of a frozen abyss
The Beehive

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