Thursday, July 01, 2010

Exploding Bananas and Vacating Vessels!

So what's a little mess on the last day of term?

This mornings debarcle goes like this:

LMB wakes up this morning complaining of a sore tummy. Now, she often has a sore tum, but it normally means she's storing up a pooh of small continent proportions that she needs to evacuate in a hurry, so it normally meets my unsympathetic head nodding and mmmm-ing and "go to the loo then". Only this morning, she doesn't need to pooh, nor does she want to eat - which is unusual as she tends to eat more weetabix than I can actually fit in my trolley on a weekly shop at Asda - which may explain the tumultuous poo-fests that she presents I suppose!

Anyway, there is equally no temperature and she seems okay during the morning, so, as it's only for 3 hours, I pack her off to school.

Whilst they're at school I rush around like the proverbial blue-arsed winged thingy rushing through the rain in my crocs - yes - poor footwear choice this morning - doing the shopping for the lady I work for and cleaning her flat.

Back home to see how many never touched toys I can stuff in a few hundred bin bags to deposit at the charity shop before they return home to notice that "My best ever broken bit of crap is being thrown out? Nooooo, I play with that all the time." and to clean the kitchen floor which looks somewhat like the underneath of a fridge this morning after the rain and dog paws and sewing thread ends and bits of weetabix.

On pick up time; for which I was incredibly late due to gridlock on our local highstreet and me being stuck in the traffic for 20 minutes for a normal 5 minute journey (and leaving a wee bit later than normal due to getting carried away with the crap-throwing - it's really theraputic and satisfying mwahahaha), realising I don't have the school number or any money for parking, I rapidly try calling my friend's mobile and leave a message, then DH and leave a message, I pick them up and decide that as we have 45 minutes, we'll go home first.

In the drive LMB is now complaining heartily about her poorly tum, whilst I'm wrestling with the contents of the whole school year in a Tesco carrier bag with a hole in it, PE kits, the contents of the Tate Art gallery and a 3D jungle diorama and trying to deduce if the pain is dull or sharp, intermittant or constant or if she's about the vomit all over the interior of the car.

We arrive inside, in the kitchen, and within seconds LMB decides to show me the contents of her tummy - all over my shoes and the clean floor! Nice! This is the second time in my life that I have had my shoes puked over, the first time was at the interview for my second ever teaching job - you can see why I'm drawn to midwifery eh? It's got nothing to do with lack of fluids - it's all about the shoes!

Quickly I hand her the kitchen bowl - complete with the remnants of the lemons and elderflowers that I'd shoved in there whilst wrestling with the sticky leftovers in the jellybag earlier, and proceed to start mopping - luckily, the floor is tiled and who's laughing about the crocs now huh?!

Mopping up the floor with the only thing I could find - Milton sterilising fluid wtf! I realise it's time to get Master Beehive the elder who I'm always late for and am going to make a determined effort on his last day to show I can be there on time!

So, LMB complete with kitchen bowl and Master Beehive the younger, incomplete without shoes, are buckled back into the car and off we go again.

Of course, this time, HE is late!

Finally do you remember the bananas?

Normally I catch bananas during the browning process and make muffins or smoothies, or, if I'm really lucky, I manage to miss the browning stage altogether and catch them some years later when I open a bag that I've not used since living in America in March 2009 to discover a petrified version of the same!

Today, however, I can no more catch browing bananas than LMB could catch her vomit this morning (she did try - she's never been sick before - EVER - so there she stood with ice cream scented puke in her hands and dribbling everywhere asking me "Have I just been sick?"
No shit Sherlock!!!

So, in my haste to clean the kitchen this morning, I missed the bananas. Instead I see them whilst preparing tea a short while ago and decide - in my unfortunate wisdom - to be a clever arse - (yes, I was one of those yesterday and a lampost came out of the shadows to wack me over the head and warn me not to be a clever arse but...did i listen? )

So, we have a funky bin - I think I've blogged about my bins before! and it's now situated about 7 feet away from the bananas. Perfect for a nice over arm cricket bowl dontcha think?

Warning to you all - brown bananas are not streamlined well - when pushed against the force of the air, they tend to burst and fan out spilling all the dribble and contents as a long sluggy trail behind them before splatting with a wonderful noise rather like a tomato may do from around 30 stories high onto a concrete pavement!

I have just finished cleaning up runny goo from my, now thrice cleaned, kitchen floor and Master Beehive the elder has spilled his squash.

Ah well, tomorrow they're off for seven weeks - just think how many times I can clean my floor then!

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